Prologue

So often we give our hearts away to those who either don't want it don't need it, or worse, don't cherish it. We always keep our hearts on our sleeves. Time and time again, we let people in hoping that we'll find the love we crave. However, we seldom do. Instead we go through this endless cycle that almost always ends up with someone getting hurt. First we meet someone and we think, yes, this is the “one”, we spend time with them, grow close to them, fall in love with them, and from then on, it all goes down hill. What is love anyway? If it does indeed exist, then how can we fall in love with each person we get into a relationship with? No, love is something special. Its something we can only experience once in our lives. Most people mistake affection with love. Had everyone been in love with the person they married, there wouldn't be as many divorces in our society. Love is something rare, people spend their entire lives looking for it but they never do. If you are one of the fortunate few who do end up finding it, my advice is that you hold on to it for dear life for once its gone, you'll spend the rest of your life pining for it.

This is my story of finding love, so sit back and relax; you're in for a ride!


Chapter 1

Dear Haley,

I love you so much, but this you don't know,
Because I am afraid if I told you, away you would go.
My love for you fills my heart,
But to tell you, I'd be afraid you would part.
You consume my every thought,
To love you, isn't something that I had to be taught.
You are my heart, my soul, and my love,
I believe deeply that God sent you down to me from above.
I love you so much, but I need to keep it inside,
So in my heart is where my emotions will hide.

~Noah


Isn't that just the sweetest thing you've ever read? I certainly think it is. Noah, isn't that such a unique name? It's not exactly a name you hear too often. It means wanderer in Hebrew. Mysterious no? Too bad it isn't his real name. I checked the school records, there's no student named Noah in our school.

I wonder who he is. What's his real name? Is he tall dark handsome, or something completely different? Do I know him? Why is he interested in me? I mean this school is filled with girls who are smarter than me, prettier than me, and sure as hell more popular than me.

Me? I'm just an average girl. Not one thing sets me apart from the rest. I've never been the best at anything, I don't have any glorious future ahead of me like my best friend Lucas and I am nowhere near as pretty as girls like Brooke Davis or Peyton Sawyer. So basically as you can see, I'm just plain boring which brings me back to the reason why I set about to write this whole monologue. Why in the name of lord would someone want to date me? Hell, I wouldn't date me. At first I thought it might be some sick joke that Nathan and his cronies might me playing on me but then I realized those guys wouldn't have half the brains to write such beautiful poetry. Which leads me to the conclusion that I Haley Ann James, have genuine secret admirer.

Wow! Isn't that profound? Well maybe not something as great as Newton or Einstein but still its something right?


Moving on…

You're probably confused as hell. Am I right? So let's get this straight.

My name is Haley James, I'm a sophomore student at Tree Hill High school and also the best friend of the Raven's small forward Lucas Scott. What is my purpose in writing this? To fill up my thoughts journal which is something I have to do for my boring ass English class. All the information I share here remains confidential. Is that clear? If I find out that any of the information I share has been leaked to unwanted sources, I will hunt you down and make you PAY!!

Chapter 2

NATHAN's POV

Why do people hide who they are? We pretend to be someone we are not. Some do it to be more popular and others, to avoid getting hurt.

Adults don't understand us.

They don't think are problems are worth their time.

They have these ideal images of who we're supposed to be and they try to mold us to fit that image. They don't understand how difficult it is for us to live up to their expectations. Some of us spend our entire lives trying to please, to make them proud. However, no matter how hard we try, its just not good enough for them. We're not good enough for them.


Ever since I was little boy, I've always tried to make my dad happy. I've spent entire life dedicated to make his dream of me playing pro ball come true. My entire childhood went by and I didn't even notice. Why? Because I had been so focused on playing basketball. When people were playing video games and eating candy, I was busy watching my weight and perfecting my skills. When we grew older and people started dating and going to parties, I spent my time improving my game. Over the years it has become a daily routine of mine, wake up at 5 in the morning, go for a jog, go to school, go to practice, come back home and practice some more, and then spend the nights studying.

I've worked so hard over the years, I'm a star basketball player with one of the highest GPAs in the whole district. But did my dad ever notice? Not once. Ever since I was little, I longed to hear him say “good game son, I'm proud of you”. But never did he say such a thing. It's always “ your conditioning is crap”, “you didn't score enough points” or “ you're not working out enough”.

He never noticed how his words hurt me.

When I was younger, I'd go to bed crying, but eventually I just stopped. I stopped crying, stopped laughing, smiling even, I got rid of feelings altogether. I built a fortress around me, one that no one could break. To the outside world, I must look like an average teenager but if some one ever took the time to notice, they'd see that it was all a mask. Underneath the façade of happy teenager lies a sad and lonely boy, who is secretly dying, bit by bit. Each time dad finds a reason to tear me apart, a tiny part of me dies along with his words. He takes and takes but never gives. There will come a day when there won't be anything left to take from. What will happen to me then?

First he took away my best friend, then my mother, and finally my love. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. It was one of the worst days of my life.

Chapter 4

In such a short time, I had managed to lose everything that ever mattered to me. Losing my best friend was hard, my mother, harder but what really drove me over the edge was the loss of the one person who I cared about more than anyone else in the world.

Haley.

Can children fall in love?


Adults will say that that is not possible but I tell you they're wrong. What I felt for Haley … what I still feel for Haley has to be love.

When Lucas found out about us sharing the same father, we became distant. I'd always hoped that even though Lucas and I were no longer friends, Haley and I could still be.

I was wrong.

When my mother left that night, I felt completely bewildered. I felt lost. I needed emotional support and had no one to give it to me. If I went to my father, he'd try to convince me that my mom was a bad person and that I was better off without her. On any other day I could have easily gone to Lucas or even Karen, who was like a second mother to me but I realized that it was no longer appropriate for me to go there. So I went to the only person I knew who would be able to help me, Haley.


~~~~Flashback~~~~

“Haley, can we talk?”

“Not now Nathan, I'm busy”

“Haley, please … I … I really need ––”

“I'm sorry Nathan but I have to go, Lucas is here”

~~~~End of Flashback~~~~~

And before I could respond, she closed the door in my face.

That night was probably the worst night of my life. I felt so alone. I cried myself to sleep that night. That was also the last time I ever shed a tear. That night also triggered a life long process of hate and pain.

People always think that I'm lucky one. But the truth is, Lucas is the one who got the better end of the deal. Lucas has a loving mother, a loyal best friend, and the love and respect from those around him. All I got was money. Granted that I had lots of it but I would give it all up in a heartbeat in exchange for what Lucas had.

Family.

I began to resent him. I got a kick out of seeing him suffer. I know its wrong of me to do this but over the years it has become a ritual for me. When Haley and Lucas deserted me, I became friends with Tim and his group. Together we began the conquest of making Lucas' life miserable. I'd do something, and he'd fight back. I'd do something worse and he'd do the same. It was an endless cycle of misery. Our rivalry escalated once we came to high school. Suddenly minor pranks weren't enough our attack became more and more cruel. And the fact that both Lucas and I had joined the basketball team brought about a whole new meaning to the word rivalry. Unlike Lucas, basketball was the only thing I was truly good at. What would take Lucas weeks of training to accomplish, I could do effortlessly. I'd use my superiority in basketball to my advantage as often as possible. Be it by scoring more points or just by blocking more shots, I'd always find a way to make Lucas look bad.

And you know what the worst thing was, I felt good watching Lucas in misery. 99% of the time I'd be guilt-free while hurting Luke. The only time I ever felt anything other than sheer enjoyment while watching Lucas suffer was when I felt a certain pair of doe-eyed chocolate colored eyes burning into my back. Even after years of convincing myself that Haley didn't matter, there was a part in me that was still in love with her. So whenever I saw Haley's disapproving looks, I'd feel pang of guilt. To this day, those eyes continue to haunt me in the night.

Eleven years, and two days have passed since the day Lucas found about Dan being his father. I don't have very many memories of my childhood days but I remember each and every detail of this day. Haley and I had secretly been discussing how we'd celebrate Lucas' birthday when it happened. Lucas found about the father who abandoned him just two days before his birthday. Since then, I suspect that it has always been a difficult day for him.

Today is Lucas's 18th birthday. It would be the ideal day to pull some cruel stunt. But I won't do such a thing. Even I'm not that heartless. Today is the one day out of the year when I leave Lucas alone. For old times sake I guess.

Haley knows this. So this is the only day that I am spared from her disapproving looks. Here I am sitting outside at the one of the lunch tables watching Haley James working fervently on one homework assignment or another and I wonder, how could I not be in love with her. Most guys would dismiss her as being nerdy or too plain but in my eyes she is a goddess.

Countless times I've wanted to talk to her, to listen to her tell all the lame jokes she tells Lucas all the time. I long to hear her laugh, to touch her or even to just get close to her.

But I can't.

Whenever I get within ten feet over her, she either walks the other way or she spouts endless insults toward me. If it were any other person I'd be giving them hell for it. However, when it comes to Haley, I am utterly powerless.

When senior year came around, I realized that this was my last chance to tell Haley about my feelings. After this, Haley would leave Tree Hill and I will have lost Haley forever.

Therefore, after years of repressing my feelings, I finally approached her. Through words that is, I'd never be able to gather up the courage to tell her in person. So under the guise of a boy named Noah, I have spent the greater portion of this year writing to Haley through secret admirer notes.

HALEY'S POV

Samuel Paterson once wrote, “When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate now knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares”.

This is what I have believed in, my entire life. Ever since I was seven, I have taken it upon myself to make sure that my best friend Lucas never gets hurt. People will say that this goes beyond my duty as a friend. However I disagree.

I've known him for as long as I remember. Lucas and his mother Karen moved into the house next door back when we were two years old. I don't remember but my parents tell me that we had an instant connection. All I know is that Lucas is the best friend I have ever had and I can't bear to see him hurt. He's always been a really kind of sensitive person. He's good at heart and always sees the best in people. I personally think its one of his strongest points but its also his weakness. People have always taken advantage of his good-hearted nature.

Maybe that's why we became so close. Lucas was the ever optimist and me, the one who always saw the world for what it really is, a place filled with lies, betrayal, and loneliness. I guess we bring out the better in each other. He gives me hope for a better future, and I protect him from the harsh realities of life.

Unfortunately, I can't protect him from every thing can I? If I could, I would. I wish Lucas never had the misfortune of finding out that Dan is the father, he longed for but abandoned him and his mother at their time of need.

That just ruined his life. I can't imagine what it feels like to have to face the devil known as Dan each and every day of his life. And Nathan, he just makes things worse.
I know that it must have been hard on him to face the fact that his father had been unfaithful to his mother and that this one incident had destroyed his family. But still, he was as much of a best friend as I was to Lucas. His pain is nothing compared to Lucas's. Sure his mother left the house but he must still see her right? So in a way, you could say that hasn't lost anything really. He still has both parents whereas Lucas has none. Karen really does try her best to be a good mother, but somehow it's just not enough. She works night and day at the café and has never really had the time to give enough attention. So as you can see, in a way, I'm all Lucas has got. So can you blame me for being so attached Lucas?

Most people just don't understand us. People have got their own preconceived ideas of who we are and what we mean to each other. Some understand that we are simply best friends, others think of us as being siblings, some consider us to be traitors. By “ some” I mean Nathan and his friends that is.

I never wanted things to be this way. I still don't understand why he thinks of us as his enemies. To some extent, I can understand his feelings toward Luke but why does he hate me? I always wanted the best for him. As much as I care for Lucas, I cared for him too.

The day that Lucas found out about Dan, he had come to by my house crying. I had to take care of Luke. He seemed so vulnerable. I was scared that he might do something stupid. That's the reason why I sent Nathan a way. Just because Lucas needed me more at the time didn't mean that I cared for Nathan any less. He had misunderstood my intentions and didn't even give me a chance to explain.

After that night, I went to his house every day after school for two weeks! I tried to call him and leave messages but he'd just ignore them, at school he'd surround himself with kids like that loser Tim who wouldn't let me get near him. I tried so hard to talk to him, to explain my side of things but he just wouldn't listen. I tried and tried over and over again to talk to him but that boy is just so damn stubborn.

Like father like son as they say I guess.

So in other words all my efforts were futile. I missed him so much. It took me years to get over him. I'd watch Luke play basketball and I'd think about Nathan. Whenever we played cards, I kept thinking of Nathan. He was such a cheater! Every little thing reminded me of him Nathan. If things hadn't turned out to be this way, I'd like to think that Nathan and I might have become a couple by now.

Did you know that he proposed to me when we were six?

We were playing house. I wasn't allowed to tell anyone but he actually liked playing house. Not even Lucas knew about it. It was our special game. We only played it when no one was around.

“Haley James, you're my bestest friend in the whole wide world! When we grow up, will you marry me?”

I distinctly remember having said yes. What do you expect? Nathan was a hot even when he was a kid.

Its sad how things have a way of not working out. I know Nathan hates me but to tell you the truth, no matter how horrible he is to Lucas, I can never hate him. I don't hate him but I hate who he has become. No matter how cold he acts toward Lucas and me, he must still care for us to some extent. The old Nathan, my Nathan can't have just vanished. That part of him must still exist somewhere deep inside of him.

HALEY's POV (Continued)

Whose gift this is you cannot know.
My heart is in your keeping though.

Such a shame isn't it that here I am dreaming of what could be if the whole incident with Dan had never occurred while some amazing boy named Noah is head over heels in love with me. I keep wishing that this guy could be Nathan but I know he isn't and I'm a fool for even thinking of that as being a possibility. But can you blame me? The boy who I thought was going to be my prince charming turns out to be someone who can't even look at me properly.

Lucas would kill me if he knew what I thought of Nathan. And frankly I don't blame him either. And that's the reason why act the way I do in front of Nathan. Each time he hurts Luke, I find a way to hurt him back. Partly because it makes Lucas happy to see his brother suffer, and partly because I hate him for leaving us when we needed him the most.

You will not mind my writing here
To tell you that I love you so.

As I sit here writing this in my so-called thoughts journal, it doesn't seem like a chore to me anymore. Even though this is something I'm doing for my English class that's boring as hell, I can honestly say that's it something I genuinely enjoy doing.

“Hmm… I wonder what Nathan is writes about”.

I take a peek at him. He seems to be engrossed in some kind of a novel. I know they'll never agree but the truth is Luke and Nate have a lot more in common than they think. Reading is just one of those things. People seem to think that just because Nathan is a jock, he must be stupid too. But the truth is he's actually quite intelligent, the one good thing that he inherited from his father.

Dan has a huge collection of books. When we were little, Nate and I would spend a lot of time just going through the books. Dan had a special section made just for us, filled with all sorts of children's books that we would spend hours reading. God those times seem like they happened ages ago.

I know that you must think it queer
For me to love and not come near
But linger by some frozen lake

I wonder if Noah could actually be Nathan. I mean not many people have the ability to write such beautiful poetry. Unless of course its Lucas or something but just the thought of Luke liking me in a way other than as friends just makes me want to puke so I won't think about that. Now that I think about it, it could definitely be him, Nathan I mean. You see the thing is even though Noah writes that he's never come close to me, I think he's lying.

It happened one night, Lucas was at one of those post basketball victory parties which I hate going to but Lucas makes me go anyway. It was actually the night of the lunar eclipse from a couple of weeks ago. There I was on the beach, just a little bit further away from the where the party was going on.

Just as moon was almost completely covered, I felt a strong pair of arms envelope me.

This most romantic time of year.
I sometimes give my head a shake
And ask if there is some mistake.
It's lonely out here 'mid the sweep
Of bitter wind and icy flake.

At first I though maybe it was Lucas trying to keep me warm but I realized it wasn't. I know I should have pushed him away but it felt so good being in his arms. His cologne was intoxicating. And his touch was driving me crazy. For the first time in a long time, I felt completely safe and I didn't want to let go of that feeling so I let him keep touching me. That moment must have only lasted for a couple of seconds since before I knew it, the moon had reappeared and that boy who I was with was nowhere in sight.

My love for you is dark and deep,
But it's a promise I will keep
As from afar I watch and weep,
As from afar I watch and weep.

I'm pretty sure that that was Noah, no one else could have made me feel so special at that instant. Whenever I think about it, it makes me all giddy inside. Especially when I imagine that those arms belong to Nathan. I know the chances are slim to none but it could be Nate couldn't it? The guy was tall and muscular, so is Nathan right?

Oh who am I kidding, Nathan does NOT have some kind of burning passion for me. The guy hates me. I see it in his eyes every single day when he sits outside during Lunchtime, glaring at me as if I was the worst person in the world. Okay maybe I'm wrong, he could be glaring at Luke but I have a feeling he gazes at me with the same kind of anger that he holds for Luke.

Ugh! I promised myself that I wouldn't keep doing this to myself, you know imagine what it would be like if Nate and I were together but I can't help it. This is a really bad habit of mine. I really need to stop think this way.


“Damn it Haley, DO NOT think about Nathan … He's a scum bag. He's hurt you and Luke time and time again so stop thinking about him. STOP!!”

Hopefully chanting about my hatred for him will help me stop fantasizing about him so often.

It was dusk by the time that Nathan finally returned home from a grueling basketball practice. As if that wasn't enough, the fact that it was Lucas' birthday had made his day even more stressful. Was it necessary for the team to throw a birthday bash for the guy? Nathan didn't think so. But still, despite his reluctance, Nathan would go to the damn party if not for himself, then to keep Whitey happy. The old man was constantly at his back trying to make him mend his relationship with Lucas.

Yeah that'll be the day.

As Nathan lay on his bed for some much needed resting time, he took out a picture of him and Haley from back when they were kids. This particular one was taken on Luke's 6th birthday party. Both Nathan and Haley were wearing white basketball jerseys. The one that Nathan wore said “best”, and Haley's said “friends”. And the one Lucas got as his present said “forever”. It was Haley's idea, she'd said that she wanted the whole world to know that were best friends and now with the shirts, each time they played a little league game, everyone would get to know about them. It was a pretty cool idea wasn't it?

Nathan was so deep in thought that it took him a while to get out of his reverie and realize that his father's unpleasant face was now looming over his head.

“You're still in love with that Heather girl aren't you,” said Dan condescendingly.

“Its Haley” replied Nathan with clenched jaws.

“Heather, Haley, whatever her name is, it doesn't matter. I mean the girl abandoned you. She's always following Lucas around like a lost puppy or something. What makes you think she'd ever want to be with you. She doesn't want you she's got Lucas.

By now Nathan was seething with anger. Haley had never done anything to him and yet Dan has always had something against her. He takes the liberty of reminding him that Haley chose Lucas over him whenever the opportunity arises.

“Anyway, the point is that you can do better than that son. What happened to that girl, Peyton? She was interesting wasn't she?”

“Peyton and I are just friends, nothing more,” said Nathan calmly. He didn't have the energy to fight with Dan today.

“Well what about, that other one, you know, the one with the nice body, Brooke Davis I think her name is. She's all over you whenever we have a party so why not go after her? I'm sure she'd be good?”

“Girls aren't objects you use for sex dad. Is this the type of example you want to set for me?”

“Hey, I didn't say anything. You're the one who mentioned sex, not me.”

There was an uncomfortable silence for a moment. Even though he didn't say anything, it was evident that Dan was still thinking about Brooke. The fact that his dad was getting hot over a girl his son's age made Nathan sick to his stomach.

“Whatever dad, I'm getting out of here”

Nathan waited for a response but received none. So he went on his way.

As he drove toward Tim's beach house for the party, Nathan kept thinking about what Dan had said.

“What makes you think she'd want to be with you when she's got Lucas?” Lucas was the reliable one, the one people went to when they need advice. He was good for Haley.

Nathan could never give her the kind of happiness she deserved. Haley would leave for college, become someone successful, and get married to some wonderful person who would love her more than anything in the world. While he himself would be spend his days wallowing in self-pity and pining for Haley. Dan was right. Why would Haley ever want to be with him?

When Nathan reached the beach house, the party was in full blast. And as usual, Brooke was now on her way to try and seduce him again. On any other day he would brush her off but today he chose not to. Why restrain himself when he knows that the girl he wants will never be his? So Nathan sat himself down and kept chugging in beer after beer while Brooke tried to get him to go upstairs.


After having consumed several bottles of beer, there came a point where Nathan's sense of sight and direction went out the window. Brooke could do whatever she wished with Nathan and knew that Nathan was no longer in a position to resist. So she took his hand and slowly led him upstairs to where she could do the things she'd only dreamed of doing with him for the longest time.

As Nathan and Brooke climbed up the stairs, they ran into a number of people they knew and each of them snickered knowing that Brooke Davis was finally going to get Nathan Scott in bed. The girls kept congratulating her while the guys looked on in distaste knowing that Nathan was the lucky undeserving dog that was going get Brooke Davis at her best and wouldn't be conscious enough to remember the experience.

Meanwhile, in the midst of all this hype, no one, not even Lucas, noticed the petite brunette standing amongst the crowd whose heart breaking into tiny tiny pieces with each step that Nathan took toward the master bedroom.

Haley couldn't stand it anymore. She was sure Nathan had been with other girls before but at least she didn't have to see it first hand. But seeing him and Brooke on the stairways was too much for her to handle. She ran out the door and to the docks. Part of Haley wished that Nathan would come after her but she knew she would be fooling herself if she thought that that could ever happen.


Meanwhile, when Brooke and Nathan finally got to the bedroom, Nathan began having second thoughts. While Brooke kissed him and tried to take of his clothes, he couldn't help but think about Haley. As much as he liked making out with Brooke, he didn't enjoy it. He felt downright dirty. He didn't want Brooke to get the wrong idea about them and more importantly, he couldn't let go of Haley without a fight. He was deeply confused and needed to clear his head. So he told Brooke that he just couldn't do this and left. By now, the effect of the alcohol was wearing thin and slowly the pain was coming back. He ignored all the questioning looks, and the look of disappointment in Brooke's eyes. He just couldn't deal with that right now. So he decided to leave the party of a while. After wandering around aimlessly for sometime, Nathan ended up at the docks, a place where he had gone to clear his head ever since he was young.

When Nathan looked up and gazed at the ocean, he realized that he was not alone. There sitting on the edge was Haley James herself, the source of all his sorrows and all happiness as well. At first he tried to walk away but then changed his mind at the sound of muffled sniffles. She was crying. He couldn't handle that. He'd always wanted to see her laugh, seeing her in tears was something that hurt him immensely. If he could, he'd take away every sad thing in her life and leave her with no option other than to be happy.

“Hey” said Nathan

At the sight of him, Haley quickly wiped her tears away and pretended to be perfectly normal.

“Nathan, what's up”

“Nothing much”

There was an awkward silence among them.

“So why were you crying?” asked Nathan cautiously

“Me crying? Nah” replied Haley as convincingly as she could

“Come on who are you kidding. Admit it, you were crying”

“Yeah I guess I was. How'd you know?”

“Remember when we were little and we'd shoot free throws and you couldn't throw the ball as high as me and Luke? You'd keep on playing and pretending like you were fine with having less points when in reality you were feeling jealous and just not good enough. I always knew didn't I?”

“Yeah”

“Well even now, I can still read you like a book. Whether it's a gift or a curse I'm not sure”

Haley didn't know what to think. On one hand she felt happy that Nathan could still understand her so well. But on the other hand she felt angry. How dare he taint their relationship like that!

“I don't care if you think it's a gift or a curse Nathan. In fact, I wish you're weren't here at all. Why'd you come here anyway? Pretending like you cared when you're just here looking for another way to hurt Luke”

Haley was furious, she tried to leave but Nathan had tight grip and wouldn't let go of her arm.

“Look don't go. I'm sorry” said Nathan. This was not the way he wanted things to be. If he ever wanted to be with her, he had to change his attitude.

“Okay fine I won't go”

“Good. So why were you crying?”

“Well that's none of your business now is it”?

It was her turn to act coldly. She had so many questions running through her mind now. She wanted to know if he missed them? She wanted to know why he stopped being friends with her. She wanted to know why he changed so much but was too afraid to ask.

“Can I ask you a question? Did you ever make that scrapbook you used to talk about when were young?”

“Yeah, I did. Why?”

“No reason. Just curious I guess”

“Do you ever think about being a kid again? No homework, no problems, no nothing”

“All the time. Things used to be so much easier back then.”

After spending some more time talking about the past and how much better it was, Nathan decided to head home.

“ You want a ride or something” asked Nathan

“No I'm good. But thanks anyways” replied Haley

“Okay then … I guess I see you around then. Bye Hales”

He'd called her Hales, a name she hadn't been called by in a long time. That was Nathan's special name for her. After admiring the beautiful sunrise for a few of moments, Haley left the docks feeling happier than she had felt for a long time. Even though it was only for a couple of minutes, she had been able to see the old Nathan. All hope was not lost after all.

“Nathan you're better than them”

“They're not good enough for you. SHE's not good enough for you”

“You've got a great future ahead of you. Don't ruin it by mixing with people like them who'll spend their entire lives trapped in this town barely getting by. Do you want be like that Nathan?”

“I expected more from you”

“Nathan you're weak, you're pathetic. You've got your mother's traits. If you don't change your ways, you'll be able to play pro ball”

These were the things I grew up hearing. It used to hurt a lot when dad said things like that but no more. If chose to listen to my dad I'd never have a single happy day in my life.

The night of Lucas' birthday brought new meaning to my life. Instead of making me grow more distant toward Haley, it made me grow closer to Haley than I have been in the longest time. Sure we're aren't best friends, heck I'm not sure if we're even friends yet but I know that things have been better than they have been in a long time.

A glance, a smile, a laugh, little things like that have given me so much pleasure. Some thing changed that night. It's hard to explain really. The easiest way of describing it was that talking to Haley that night gave me hope for a better future. Things haven't changed as much as I thought they had. Haley is still Haley; the happy go lucky girl she has always been. And me, I guess the boy in me who was in love with life itself is still somewhere deep inside of me. Sitting by the ocean talking about life and the twists and turns it has in store for us gave me a new perspective toward life.

Einstein once said “there are two ways to live your life, one is as though nothing is a miracle, the other is as though everything is a miracle”. I never realized how true that was until now. Life is what you make of it after all. There are a lot of things we can't control like my mom leaving or my dad being a major ass but there are other things we can control. Like my relationship with Haley for example.

After that night, I chose to be more optimistic. Instead of reminiscing over of the past and how it could have been had Lucas had not come into the picture, I decided to take control of my life again. For the longest time, my dad had been in control. I did whatever he asked me to and never asked questions. If you think about I was a slave of some sorts. Anyway, the point is I took on a new approach, I stopped picking on Lucas and started writing more and more letters to Haley. Haley didn't know who I was of course. It started off with love letters but turned out to be so much more as time went on.

It's been three months since Lucas' party and a lot has changes since then. Lucas and I aren't exactly the best of friends or anything but we can at least act civilly toward each other. As for Haley, ever since our talk that night, she's been a lot nicer. We don't really talk but at least she doesn't hate me anymore. She either smiles or nods when we pass each other in the hallways and I usually do the same. We're not friends but you could say that we're friendly. At least that's what Haley thinks.

Though she doesn't know this yet, I know more about her than she thinks. We're actually close friends and she doesn't even know it. You see the thing is we've got this nice system going on where I write to her under a false name and she writes back. We talk about everything, just as we did when we were young. I know that I am deceiving her by saying that I am someone who I am not but if that means I can be close Haley, I am willing to take my chances. The only thing I am afraid of is that one-day this whole thing will blow up in my face and I'll be worse off than I was back when Haley used to hate me.

Noah,

Will I ever find love? I see him every day. I smile and he smiles back. I see him at lunch, in class, in the gym, he's everywhere. I want to tell him how I feel, I really do but I can't. God am I just going to be alone all my life? Everyone else will fall in love, get married, have children and me, I'm just going stay the same all the time won't I? Work and sleep, work and sleep that's how its going to be isn't it? Everyone around me seems so happy but me, I'm just stuck. I'm not happy but not sad either. I'm just I don't know. I guess I'm jealous and frustrated and angry with myself for being such a horrible person. I mean here I am complaining about my love life, or lack there of and you just read and respond like it doesn't hurt you one bit. It's not fair to you. I know you love me or at least that you think you love me. And instead of trying to find a way to be with you, all I'm doing is ranting on and on about a boy who I'm in love with but I know for a fact would give me the time of day. Honestly why do you put up with me? Why?

Haley

Haley,

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.


Just the like the quote says, love is patient and isn't self-seeking. This is something I've always believed in. Its true, though you may doubt it, I do love you. And even if my feelings aren't returned, I can still keep on loving you. If we're meant to be we'll find our way in the end and if we're not, I want to stay friends with you forever. I want the best for you Haley and if best means you being with the guy you write about, then I'll just have to deal with it. Just know that no matter what happens I'll always support you no matter what. Haley you're a beautiful girl, inside and out. I can't imagine how its possible for any guy to not love you. You won't spend your life being alone I promise. Some day you will fall in love, get married, have children. What ever you want, you'll get so never give up. If you care so deeply about this guy then tell him. Or if you're afraid to, at least try to be friends with him. Who knows? He could be like you, just scared of getting hurt or turned down. Guys are like that you know. We hide our feelings and we always will. Its up to the girls to get close to us and try make us open up. I know it seems hard to do but it's not as difficult as it seems. Just go for it!

Noah

Chapter 12

One night, one party, one moment, and everything changed. Just like every other Friday night, after Raven's victory, there was a party to be held. Loud music, crates of booze, girls in skimpy clothing, how typical. However, what no one knew was that this particular night was anything but typical. No one knew that this particular night would turn the lives of a select few upside down and back up again. Yes this was a night of change. Good or bad, only time will tell.

“Okay guys. Its time to play 10 minutes in Hell” yelled a very drunk Brooke. “You too Broody oh and bring your little friend over too why don't you” she continued while glowering at Haley.

Nathan always pretended that he didn't have time for girls but Brooke knew it was bloody lie. Time and time again she'd tried to change his mind but the man didn't budge. She couldn't understand why he was the way he was. She was the hottest girl in school, any guy would kill to nail her. But the one guy she really wanted, refused to give in to temptation. People always thought of her to be a brainless slut who was just after the one guy she couldn't have but what they didn't know was that her feelings ran deeper than mere lust. You see, guys always used her, and she did the same. Just because she was used to being treated like an object didn't mean she had to like it. The reason why she wanted him so badly was because he was different from the rest. He was genuinely nice to her. When she had moved to Tree Hill after her parent's bitter divorce, Nathan had been the first to befriend her. He had helped her through a difficult phase in her life. And for that she would always be grateful. She knew he was lonely and had suffered a lot in his past and she wanted to make up for all the love he had never gotten. But to her dismay, her feelings were never returned. She'd tried being his friend, she really did but it just wasn't enough. So she gave up on him and moved on to whatever guy was available. At least they appreciated her, even if it was for a couple of hours. She wouldn't tell anyone but the truth is that whenever she slept with someone, she always pretended it were Nathan. For as long as she had known him, Nathan had never had a girlfriend. So it was easy for her to pretend that he was hers but a couple of weeks ago when she had finally gotten close to Nathan, she found out why he had been so distant with her. It was all because of Haley James, or tutor-b**ch as she liked to call her. That night, Nathan had been too drunk to hide his feelings. Sure he was kissing Brooke but it was evident that he was thinking of Haley. Brooke didn't know it at the time but she suspected it. And much to her dismay, her suspicions came true when Nathan began to moan Haley's name. That one word had given her more pain than she could ever think imaginable. It just wasn't fair. She would have given anything to make him happy but he didn't care. He only wanted the girl who had abandoned him when he needed her most. No life wasn't fair at all. Tonight, tutor-b**ch was going to get what she deserved. She was going to pay for all the pain and anguish she had caused upon both Nathan and herself.

“Okay so the game is 10 minutes in Hell”

“You do know that the game is 7 minutes is Heaven right?” asked a beaming Tim, proud to have actually gotten something right for once.

“Shut up Dim I know its 7 minutes but 10 minutes just sound so much fun... funner.. whatever. Okay so what we do is, you take the bottle, then spin spin spin and the person it lands on does a truth or dare and drink three shots of Tequila. Got it?”

“You sure you understand tutor girl? I mean you've probably never even touched a bottle of booze have you?”

“I'll be fine” replied Haley, clearly unwilling to play and moreover to put up with Brooke's twisted games.

“Okay lets see …. Haley. Truth or Dare?”

“Truth.”

“Have you ever betrayed some one?”

“No”

“My turn. Brooke”

“Truth”

“Have you ever been desperate enough to seduce a guy who wouldn't give you the time of day”

….

The indirect jabs went on one after the other. Drink and hurt, drink and hurt. It wasn't fun anymore. Everyone had joined in on the accusations. Friends were no longer friends, they were all enemies. Revealing their darkest secrets, insulting their closest friends, lying, cheating, drinking, swearing, yelling, crying, fighting, everything was spinning out of control.

Haley couldn't take it anymore. Brooke was right she had never had alcohol before. She felt sick and the funny thing was that it wasn't due to the booze. It was the sight of a group of people who were hurting and chose to hurt others in return, that was what was making her sick. She abandoned the group of drunken and lost teenagers and set out into the fresh air to clear her head.

She was not alone in trying to escape either. Nathan had done the same too.

“Hey”

“Hey”

“So pretty intense back there hunh?”

“Yeah”

It was beautiful night. The skies were clear and filled with billions of stars. If she were alone, she would love to dance under the stars.

As they sat on the balcony, silently admiring the beauty of nightfall, both sat wondering what would happen if they were to make the first move.

Haley was sitting quite close to Nathan. She could feel the heat radiating off him. She admired his hands. They were so big and strong too. She wonder what it would feel like to touch them. She didn't have to wonder for much longer for his hands momentarily brushed hers at that instant. Immediately felt a kind of shock, kind of like a bolt of lightning. She wondered if he had felt it too. And this question of hers was answered as well. For Nathan was now looking at her. She looked into his crystal blue eyes and thought that she could almost drown in them. They were so deep, so beautiful, so caring, many years had passed but Nathan still had those gorgeous orbs. That's what she liked about him most. Girls were always fawning over him. They were in love with his well built body but she herself didn't care much about that. She was in love with his starry blue eyes. She could feel his warm breath on her skin. His cologne was intoxicating. The world around her started disappearing. All she could concentrate on were his soft lips. “Its up to the girls to get close to us and try make us open up…Just go for it”. That's what Noah had suggested. She decided to take his advice and a moment later, let go of all thoughts and inhibitions and slowly moved towards Nathan's face as he did the same.

If you were to ask me what was my single happiest moment in life, I would have to say it was then. When I looked at him that day, I really saw him. Not the boy who was a master at hiding his feelings, nor the cruel heartless one who insisted on torturing Lucas. What I saw was the innocent little boy who was hopelessly in love. With me! You could see it in his eyes. All the love, the admiration, all the things I ever wanted. Here I was thinking that I would never find love when love was right in front of my eyes and I just never saw it. And even if I did, I took it to be something else. How foolish of me!

The instant that my lips touched his, I forgot about everything around me. I forgot Lucas, the whole Dan issue, school, everything that mattered in my life suddenly meant nothing to me. All I cared about was Nathan. His lips were so soft and so warm. The kiss must have lasted for a couple of seconds but it felt like forever to me. It was like heaven on earth. When we finally broke the kiss, we were both short of breath but that didn't stop us, we kept kissing and kissing for the longest time. All the years of longing and even pining were finally surfacing. Now that I had him with me I couldn;t let go and I'm guessing it was the same for him too. As we kissed over and over again, I kept getting flashes from the past kind of like Liz did on Roswell without the whole alien business of course. I remembered our time at the basketball court, the nights when I got scared of lightning and sneaked into Nathan's room, and most of all I remember my first kiss. I've never had a boyfriend but I got my first kiss when I was five years old.

~~~~Flashback~~~~

“Hey Nate are we ever gonna get married? You know like your mommy and daddy?”

“Maybe. Who do you wanna marry? Me or Lucas?”

“You for sure!”

“Why?”

“Well cause you're cute and you don't think I have cooties like the other guys do. Besides, Luke is always after that Brooke Davis girl”

“So you want me ‘cause you can't have Luke” asked Nathan slightly disappointed.

“Nope. Its you and me forever babe”.

“Good ‘cause I wouldn't wanna get married with any other girl anyway. I mean what other girl will play basketball with me right?”

“Yeah that's true”

Nathan bends down on one knee and asked “Haley James, you're my bestest friend in the whole wide world! When we grow up, will you marry me?”

“Yes Natey! You're the bestest guy in the whole wide world of course I'll marry you!”

“I don't have ring like mommy but here's a bracelet instead. It's like a promise bracelet, I promise to marry you when we grow up”.

Nathan puts the crackerjack bracelet on Haley's wrist while Haley looks at it as if it were the most precious thing in the world.

“Okay so we have to kiss like mommy and daddy do” said Haley excitedly.

“Okay I guess. On the count of three, ready? One Two Three”

~~~~End of Flashback~~~~

The initial shock that I got when we kissed that day was present on this day too. I had this tingly feeling throughout my body. My heart was beating a mile a minute and the entire world seemed like it were spinning round and round. I felt a little dizzy but in a good way. When we had finally grown tired of kissing, Nathan pulled me into his arms and together we sat silently enjoying each other's company and admiring the beauty of the deep blue ocean in front of us. The fact that we were sitting in the backyard of someone's house in the middle of a wild party didn't matter one bit. We were in our own world; just Nathan and me, and nothing else mattered.

Since then, whenever we were together we stayed in our own special world. In this world it was just him and me. Dan, Lucas, the people at school, none of them were of any significance to us. Talking about people from the outside world would just taint our relationship and that was the last thing I ever wanted. What Nathan and me had was pure, unselfish, it was just … love. In its truest form that is.

~~~~Flashback~~~~

Nathan and Haley are walking along the docks admiring the multitude of boats and ships sailing by.

“I've always wanted to sail you know that? To go with the flow. To sail away deep into the horizon never to come back. Someday I'd love to do that” said Haley.

She looked at Nathan waiting for a response but it never came. Something was on his mind. She felt foolish for even suggesting such a thing. Who was she kidding, she was Haley James, good daughter, good student, and good tutor, everything except being wild and spontaneous.

After sometime Nathan finally spoke: “Why someday Hales? Why can some day be today? Sure its crazy. Irresponsible even but who cares. We're teenagers we're meant to make mistakes”.

Just moments ago Nathan had been so quiet and reserved and now he overexcited and now he was bursting with energy. Any normal person would get fed up with these sudden mood swings but for some reason it had an opposite effect on Haley. She loved this habit of Nathan's. Being spontaneous was something Haley just couldn't do. She was all about planning and doing things in an organized fashion. But when she was around Nathan all of her habits and beliefs went out the window. If Nathan told her to jump off a bridge with him, she probably would, without hesitance. On one hand Haley had been the happiest she had ever been life. But on the other, she was scared out of her wits. The fact that someone could have such a strong effect on her scared her.

Haley and Nathan stepped on the boat and began to sail away from the coastline.

“This is my dad's boat. He bought it for me on my 16th birthday”.

He remembered that day. His dad had given it to him saying that it was his reward for having taken the Ravens all state that year. Dan had told him take the boat and sail away for a couple of days and to bring Peyton along, to you know to have a romantic escape or something.

What it was, was a big fat lie. Thousands of children are dying of starvation and Dan Scott bought a boat in order to distract Nathan. Pathetic. Peyton was being b**ch throughout the trip so Nathan decided to come home early. Just as he arrived, he saw a familiar blue Porsche drive by. At first he didn't think much of it but later on he realized that the woman in the car must have been his mother. He had tried to catch her, to make her come back or take her with him but he had been too late. He had had a chance to see his mom again but because of Dan this beautiful opportunity had slipped away. After that night, he never touched the boat again. It was only after several years had gone by that Nathan stepped on this boat again. This time however, he felt that things would have a positive outcome. He was here with the girl of his dreams. What could possibly go wrong? Nathan wished he could tell her about the things that had happened since the whole incident with Lucas but he chose not to. For the first time in his life, he was finally happy. He didn't want this feeling to go away by bringing up the past.

“Come on. Let me give you the grand tour”.

Nathan took her hand and set about showing her the vast number of rooms in the boat. To Haley however, what Nathan called a boat was like a floating mansion or perhaps a ship of dreams.

By the time they reached the master bedroom, Haley was exhausted. They had spent the entire day on the beach swimming and playing, genuinely having a blast. She collapsed on the bed and enjoyed the feel of the soft sheets under her skin. It didn't take long for Nathan to join her on the bed. Nathan however, was no where near being a tired. Mental note: play more sports she thought to her self. Nathan wasn't the patient type. Sitting around doing nothing seemed like the most boring thing in the world. So as soon as Haley got a little distracted, Nathan launched a tickle attack on her.

Her eyes had been closed but the moment Nathan touched her, her eyes became wide open and she immediately went in to defense mode.

“Nathan stop. Come on stoooooooooop!” she yelled between giggles. Nathan however did nothing of the sort. The more she protested, the more he tickled her. The girl was ticklish all over for god's sake! She might have grown older but she was still ticklish in all the same places. When they had been kids, Haley used to hide their basketballs and wouldn't tell them where they were until they played what she wanted to play. So in order to make her tell the truth, Nathan and Lucas used to tickle it out of her. Nathan knew all the spots, like the special one on the crook of her neck. Not even Lucas knew that one. Nathan realized that she was tired and decided to let her take little nap but before he did, he decided to kiss her on that special spot just to get one last giggle out of her. He did so but for some reason all her giggles had died away. Nathan turned to her face and noticed that she was still smiling but this time she looked somewhat uneasy. It was then that he realized that where he was. They were in a boat in the middle of nowhere, currently on a bed and he was lying on top of Haley while pinning her arms to the bed. It was easy to understand what was going through her mind at the moment. He gave her one last earth-shattering kisses and was about to move off her but stopped when Haley utter in the sweetest voice: “don't go”

If you're wondering if we'd done the deed or not, then the answer is no. But I know that if I'd said yes, Nathan would have readily made love to me. I could see it in his eyes he wanted to so badly but I couldn't go through with it. Nathan was too much of a gentleman to convince me to have sex with him. He wanted me to be comfortable with everything.

Something was holding me back. I knew that I wanted to as much as he did but I was just … scared. Scared that things would change. Everyone has a tragic flaw, change is mine. I'm perfectly content staying the way I am. Change leads to uncertainty, something I despise more than anything in life. My entire life was planned since day one and I've never steered away from it. But Nathan comes along and everything is turned upside down and back up again. Nathan and I had been together for a couple of months and everything had been like a dream. Suddenly things like tutoring and music meant little in comparison to Nathan. He was all I wanted and is still what I want.

To say that what happened next was my fault would be an understatement. I ruined everything. I know it and I won't hide from it. That one incident's lasting effects are still present to this day. Instead of enjoying my time with Nathan, I kept thinking of the life Luke was denied. I'd go to Nathan's house, see the fancy cars, the spacious rooms, and the gigantic pool, and I kept thinking of poor Lucas. Luke comes to take a shower in our house half the time because the plumbing in his house doesn't work whereas the Scotts, they were wasting water on freakin' pool. It wasn't just the plumbing, it was everything. The fact is Lucas had had a hard life, something Nathan could never relate to. Nathan had everything but still wasn't happy. Why he insisted on hurting Luke I don't know.

I had so many questions in my mind but I was too afraid to ask them. Nathan never talked about his family or Luke or anything about the past so I was afraid to bring up that topic. I tried to forget about those things and just enjoy my time but I just couldn't. I wanted to know why Nathan abandoned us, why he was so mean to Luke, we he had changed so much but I just couldn't ask. Keeping silent was tearing me apart. I started to become distant from him. At first he shook it off but I know it was getting to him. He wasn't the only one who noticed my change in behavior, Luke did too. On many occasions Luke asked me if was okay and whether I wanted to talk and I kept lying to him. How could I tell him that I was in love with his worst enemy? How could I tell him that I had betrayed him?

I was hurting the two people who were closest to me, all because I was a coward. Why couldn't I be honest? Why did everything have to be so damn complicated? I was at a loss of what to do. While being with Nathan, I had abandoned a lot of things, one being Noah. He was nothing but a friend to me and all I did was use him. I'm a selfish person and I know it. After months of not writing to him, I wrote him a letter asking for advice.

Noah,

I'm so so sorry for not keeping in touch. I've been a bad friend to you, I know. But trust me, you're not the only one. Everything's been so confusing lately. Do you remember that boy I told you about? The one I love? I've been hurting him I know I have. We have a lot of history together. I have a lot of questions to ask but I'm scared to say anything. I want to be honest with him, I really do. I want to tell him what I've been thinking lately but I'm afraid it will ruin things with us. I don't want to break up, I really don't but the way its going, I don't see how he would want to be with me anymore. I've spent several years apart from him and I don't want that to happen again. What should I do? Please forgive me for my behavior these past few months. If you find it in your heart to give me a second chance, please write back.

Love,

Haley

Noah was the best. He loved me and he was caring enough to put his feelings aside to help me with my issues with another boy. I don't know what I ever did to deserve that kind of a friendship.

Haley,

This morning when I got your letter, I thought I must have been dreaming. It's good to talk to you again. I missed our letters. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time right now. And don't worry about me being mad at you because I'm not. And don't say you're selfish. You're one of the most unselfish people I know. You would give up anything and everything if it helped those who are close to you. You're not as horrible as you think you are. You're just a girl who is deeply in love and if I don't support you now then saying that I'm your friend will be a lie. Some one once said that: “true friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient; it's about being there when it's not". So that's what I'm doing, being there for you. That boy you're talking about, all he wants is for you to love him and nothing more. Be honest with him. If he truly loves you, he'll find a way to get past the problems you're having. By being distant you're just hurting him. He feels like he's done something wrong. Let him know what's going on. As cheesy as it sounds, honesty is indeed the best policy.

Take care,

Noah

Like I said, I don't deserve to have a friend like Noah. I took his advice and talked to Nathan truthfully for the first time in a long time. When I displaced Peyton as the Queen of broody I don't know. I used to the happy one, the one who took it on herself to cheer up people. Now look at me, shabby clothes, poofy hair, tearstained cheeks, in short a complete mess.

Nathan was sitting on the balcony, reading a book. The Great Gatsby I think. I smoothed out my skirt and tried to fix my hair a little. Despite my efforts, I'm pretty sure I still looked as bad as I felt. When Nathan looked up and saw me for the first time, my heart broke all over again. I was going to ask the one thing he never wanted to talk about – what happened that day. When I looked into his beautiful eyes, all I saw was love. Noah was right, love was the only thing Nathan wanted and unfortunately that was the one thing I couldn't give him. Not until my questions were answered to say the least.

I knew it was coming. I knew that one day she'd finally bring up the topic about Lucas and me and the whole Dan issue. I wished that this conversation could have come up later on. Oh well. All of my life I've tried to forget that incident. One because it causes too many problems and two because its too painful.

She was nervous I know she was. I wish I could make this easier for her but that's just not possible.

“Hey Nathan, can we talk,” she asked quietly.

“Sure”

She looked horrible. A disaster more or less.

“Do you remember when Luke, me and you were friends”

“How could I not?” I replied coldly. I didn't want to act like this in front of her. I never wanted to hurt her but bringing up something like that incident always brought out the worst in me. I just couldn't help it.

She hesitated for a moment. As if to formulate the perfect words, to make things easier perhaps. To prevent the pain but she knew as well as I did that pain was inevitable.

“After you guys found out that you shared the same dad, why did you stop talking to us?”

Not wanting to lose her nerve, she continued: “I mean why did you abandon Luke when he he need you the most. When I needed you the most.”

The nerve of her, I would have thought that after all these years, she'd finally learn to see my side of things. But no, she still thought I was the bad guy. I didn't want to face this day. I didn't want to remember that day. I thought I'd feel sad or hurt hearing those words from her mouth but you know what? All I feel is anger. The hurting will probably come around a couple of hours from now when I've had time to think about what happened.

“You know what Haley, you haven't changed. I've done everything to make you like me, but no matter how hard I try, it's always Lucas you're going to care for the most. So if you're here to make false accusations, and blame me for all the crap that happened in Lucas' pathetic existence, then you'd best be on your way”. By now I was yelling. I didn't care what people thought of us. They were just here to see the show. I wouldn't be surprised if Lucas barged in at any time to make the drama even more intense.

I looked at Haley and saw that she was on the verge of tears. This wasn't what I wanted. I didn't want to see her cry. Seeing tears in her eyes would just make things worse then they already were.

“See this is the thing I don't understand, one day Lucas was your best friend and in the next how the hell did he become your enemy?” she said more forcefully.

She just wouldn't let it go now would she? I didn't want to tell her the truth. If I did, all that would happen is that Haley would feel worse than she already does. I love her with all my heart but somewhere deep inside me I still hold her as well as Lucas responsible for my problems.

“You don't know the first thing about what happened that day. All you saw was Lucas who was in pain. You never noticed how the news would affect me did you? You don't know anything Haley,” I said as calmly as possible.

I was about to walk away when she pulled me down and said: “I was your best-friend too Natey. If you'd have come to me, I would have been there for just like I was for Luke”.

“First you were a traitor, now you're a liar too. What's next Haley?” I yelled.

“Contrary to what you may think, I am not the traitor” she retaliated.

“I didn't let you come in that night because I wanted to protect you. Luke wasn't in his senses at the time. I didn't want him to hurt you. Is that so wrong? Was it wrong of me to love you so much that even the thought of you getting hurt was enough to kill me. If that's so wrong then I accept it. Hate me all you want, I couldn't care less.”

“You're just fooling yourself Haley. If you'd wanted, you could have come talked to me the morning after, the next day even. But you didn't come. If you had, I could have told you the truth and things would have been different. Instead of accepting your mistake, all you do is try to justify them. God Haley when did you become like this? You're nothing like the Haley I used to know”.

“You're right, I'm not the Haley I used to be. That Haley died the day you abandoned us. As for the not caring bit please. I came to see you everyday after-school for two weeks but you never talked to me. Instead, you had Dan come and say that you didn't want to talk and then slam the door on my face. What was I supposed to do? Go after a person who didn't so much as want to see my face, or be there for some one who desperately needed a friend?”

Why am I not surprised that Dan had something to do with this? He's taken away every good thing I've had in my life.

“You say that you've been so traumatized by what happened, then why can't you just be honest for once? You're a coward Nathan Scott, a bloody coward. Instead of accepting your fate, why did you choose to live in denial? Be a man Nathan. What happened to you? What could possibly be worse than living a life knowing that your father gave thought the world of one son and completely neglected the existence of the other?”

“How about knowing that you had a father who thought that you were the reason he never achieved his dreams. How about losing your two best friends at a time when your mother decided to abandon you. How about having to live with an uncaring bastard who insists on making your life as miserable as possible? The list goes on and on. Should I continue?”

Haley was stunned. She hadn't expected me to burst out like that. I hadn't meant to say all those things but I couldn't help it. Just as I had expected, she felt guilty.

She wiped her tears away, came closer, gave me a warm hug and said: “I'm sorry Natey. I … I should have known something was wrong. Everyone said that Deb was away on a business trip and then a year after we heard of the divorce. I should have known that there was more to it than that. I'm sorry Nathan”.

She finally understood. She finally saw things from my point of view. And most importantly she was sorry. The old Haley I knew and loved was back!

If this were movie, we'd probably just kiss and make up but in the real world things aren't as easy.

“Nathan I love you”.

I'm supposed to be happy right now right? All I've ever wanted was for someone, especially her to love me so now that she's here proclaiming her love, why can't I be happy? Its because as much as I want to believe its real, its not.

“Don't kid yourself Haley. You're just in love with the idea of loving someone.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,”

As I continued, Haley joined in: “it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

“You've heard of this then?” I asked though I already knew the answer.

“Yes you could say that.”

“You should trust me then. I'm willing to forget everything if you are. You've got a lot of things to figure out. I know that. So until then, I'll be patient. Maybe some day you will love me or maybe you won't. All I know is that if we're meant to be we'll find a way to be together in the end. Remember, love never fails.

I placed a kiss on her forehead, and walked away. Tomorrow is graduation and after that its off to high flyers and then to UCLA. What lies ahead in the future? Only time will tell.

~The End~

"A Secret Love" by Liz Lapp

The Bible : 1 Corinthians 13:4 –